Hi Reader,

My daughter was doing homework recently on the structure and elements of a story. She had to point out the setting, plot, conflict, and of course, the main characters. In her homework, the main character is defined as “The star of the show. They are the most important person or animal in the whole story. Just like how YOU are the main character in your own life story, the main character in a book or fairy tale is the one we follow and care about the most.”

The main character gets to go on all sorts of exciting adventures. They experience the most transformation, overcome the toughest challenges, and (at least in most children’s books and movies) they get to have the happiest endings. Which of course got me thinking, AM I the main character in my own life story?

As a mother, I don’t often feel like the main character. It’s super easy to get lost in the roles we play: mother, partner, employee, best friend, sister, student, etc. This is not uncommon, it’s why there is so much out there on “self-care for moms.” We can let our own dreams and aspirations take a back seat while we act as supporting characters in the stories of our loved ones.

Of course, it could go the other way. I remember reading a Newsweek article from a few years ago about main character syndrome. This isn’t actually a medical diagnosis, but more of an observed social phenomenon to describe people “who act as though their life is a movie and they are the central character.” This behavior borders on narcissism, and it’s stimulated by social media platforms that encourage us to see ourselves at the center of a narrative, rewarding the behavior of sharing curated glimpses of our life with an approving audience, and even cultivating a “personal brand.”

I have definitely been guilty of that behavior, especially after I left my career and moved across the country. I hungered to be SEEN again, to be praised and admired and applauded. Social media offered a way to create a shiny, movie-montage where I could put on a performance and center myself on the stage.

So how do we find the balance? How do we create authentic main character energy in our life to help us focus on our own dreams and happy endings, without putting on a heavily edited show or ignoring our supporting cast? Here’s a few thoughts:

1. Apply main character energy appropriately. The energy a main character gets from being the most important person in the story can be exciting and fun, and sometimes you need to tap into that. Whether you’ve been feeling a little drab and frumpy, or you need a boost to give a presentation at work or school, or you just want to more clearly focus on your own goals and dreams, harnessing the energy of the main character can get you there with style and pizzazz.
2. Recognize that while you are the main character in YOUR story, you play an important role as supporting cast for loved ones in THEIR story. When I pause and reflect, it’s clear that there have been phases of my life where I was definitely the main character; the dark nights of the soul and the glittering transformations that came afterward required me to focus all my energy on simply making it through the next day. But there have been plenty of times in my life when I’ve not been actively struggling, where I have plenty of space and energy to be the supporting character in the stories of friends and family who are going through their own “main character” moments. (And I’m confident that for my children only see me in my role as their Mother while they navigate their own story.)
3. Ask yourself if you are putting on a performance for an audience or living authentically in the moment. A true main character isn’t worried about what other people think of the story, they’re too busy experiencing the actual highs and lows. It’s super easy to get caught up in the documentation of it all, especially when you can put a pretty filter on it. If it feels like you’ve been a little desperate for fan attention, or trying to make your story a little shinier than it actually is, maybe it’s time to put down the phone and just enjoy the setting.
4. Write your own script. The beautiful thing about this metaphor of a story is that not only do you get to be the main character, you also get to be the author, and the director, and the editor, and the costume and makeup department. Take a moment to envision where your story goes from here, and then pick up the pen and write it down. What kind of mother do you want to be? What dreams do you want to actualize? What values and experiences do you want to impart to your children? What will your next chapter bring?

Your motherhood story is a work of art, and you have every right to be the star of your own show. 🌟

In mothering solidarity,

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Have you made any changes in your life to become the main character in your motherhood story? Hit reply and let me know!

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​www.susiefishleder.com​