I love watching certain TV shows with my 13-year-old son because they easily introduce some potentially challenging topics for conversation. He and I went through the entire series of Friday Night Lights series last fall and it sparked so many excellent talks about high school, relationships, respect, hard work, sex, drugs, abortion, racism, and more. We would sit side by side on the couch, sometimes I’d be scratching his back or playing with his hair, and when a topic came up he’d either ask a question or I'd briefly inject my opinion. I tried to keep it brief and casual, not EVERYTHING has to be a teaching moment.

We’ve been watching Ted Lasso lately, because A) I find it delightful and heartwarming and funny and B) I believe it is an excellent example of healthy masculinity. There is an episode in Season One where the character Keeley offhandedly mentions a blow job, and the second she said it, I KNEW what was going to happen. Sure enough, my newly teenage son turned to me and said, “Mom, what’s a blow job?”

Now, I think of myself as a very sex-positive person. I’ve had frequent, age-appropriate chats with all three of my kids about the mechanics of sex, consent, masturbation, pleasure, sexual orientation, pregnancy, STDs, gender identity, and more. I have obviously NOT gotten into the details about sexual positions, kinks, foreplay, or any number of topics that are NOT age-appropriate. And while I have always believed that if they’re old enough to ask the question they’re old enough to hear an honest answer, at that moment I knew I was not ready to explain in detail what a blow job was to my son.

(All this was frantically racing through my head while my son was looking at me expectantly.)

Finally I had a flash of genius and I said simply and calmly, “A blow job is a way to have sex.” No frills, no fuss. He said, “Oh, ok,” and we continued watching the episode while I fell over dead.

Here’s the thing. At some point, my son is going to learn what a blow job is. And no matter how sex-positive I consider my parenting, I am just having a hard time imagining a moment where I am the one who explains in detail what a blow job is. But do I want him learning about it from his friends? From a special girl or boy in his life? From the INTERNET??! At what point do I have to acknowledge that there are just some things I can’t teach him?

I don’t have the answer, folks. And I’d love to hear from you, especially if you’re a sex-positive family who has parented through the teen years and might have some wisdom to share! Hit reply and let me know all your tips!!

Upcoming Events

We had a fantastic discussion last Sunday about the book Revolutionary Mothering: Love on the Front Lines! Our next book club meeting is Sunday, May 21 at 2pm EST and we’ll be discussing How to Raise an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi.

"The tragedies and reckonings around racism that are rocking the country have created a specific crisis for parents, educators, and other caregivers: How do we talk to our children about racism? How do we teach children to be antiracist? How are kids at different ages experiencing race? How are racist structures impacting children? How can we inspire our children to avoid our mistakes, to be better, to make the world better?

These are the questions Ibram X. Kendi found himself avoiding as he anticipated the birth of his first child. Like most parents or parents-to-be, he felt the reflex to not talk to his child about racism, which he feared would stain her innocence and steal away her joy. But research and experience changed his mind, and he realized that raising his child to be antiracist would actually protect his child, and preserve her innocence and joy. He realized that teaching students about the reality of racism and the myth of race provides a protective education in our diverse and unequal world. He realized that building antiracist societies safeguards all children from the harms of racism.

Following the accessible genre of his internationally bestselling How to Be an Antiracist, Kendi combines a century of scientific research with a vulnerable and compelling personal narrative of his own journey as a parent and as a child in school. The chapters follow the stages of child development from pregnancy to toddler to schoolkid to teenager. It is never too early or late to start raising young people to be antiracist."

If you haven’t already registered for this free event, you can do so by clicking on the May Book Club event link and signing up for the Mother Circle Book Club.

This will be our last book club for a few months - Amanda and I are going to take the summer off to spend time with our kiddos while they’re out of school! We hope you'll join us!

In mothering solidarity,

​www.susiefishleder.com​